Spiderman
by Vanr
Summary: Roderich just wants the spiders out of his dorm room. As for Gilbert... well, he doesn't even know what he wants.
**A/N: I wrote this awhile ago and posted it on ao3. I figured that some people here would like to read it.**

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Gilbert Beilschmidt was like any self-respecting college student, in that his favorite thing in the world was sleep. He had purposefully scheduled no classes before 9am, so he could get to classes without being a zombie.

He was pissed as hell at whoever thought it was a good idea to wake him up at this ungodly hour. He didn't even know what time it was, he was already mad as he made his way to the door.

His roommate, Antonio, was still soundly asleep, not disturbed at all by the knocking at the door.

Fuck that guy, Gilbert thought moodily before swinging open the dorm room door.

On the other side was a young guy that he vaguely recognized from campus, who looked about as tired as Gilbert did. He also looked mildly terrified, something that woke Gilbert up just a little bit.

"This is fairly awkward," began the other student, sounding tired and also totally uncomfortable. "I know we don't know each other, but there is a spider in my bathroom, and, well, you seem like the friendly neighbor type so-"

Gilbert blinked, feeling in his very soul the effort that action had taken. "Wait. You knocked on my door and woke me up at 7am because there's a fucking spider in your bathroom?" He hoped he sounded as pissed off as he felt.

The other guy took a step backward, guilt flashing across his face. "Yeah. I-I'm sorry, I'll go now." He turned around and ducked into the dorm across the hall, which was still in Gilbert's viewing range. Great. Third day there and already his neighbor was annoying the hell out of him.

Okay. So that guy was weak as hell. Gilbert snorted and made to go back to bed.

Your mama didn't raise you to be a dick, Gil, said that weird little voice in his head, the one who periodically told him to pay attention, do the dishes, do his homework, and other dumb things. He called him Responsible Gilbert.

"My mama barely even raised me," he argued with Responsible Gilbert. Out loud, of course. Because why be sane when you can argue with the voices in your head.

Go help that nerd, Gil. He clearly needs it.

He argued with Responsible Gilbert all the way across the hall to the other man's dorm, armed with one of Antonio's shoes.

He knocked on the door and shouted to the occupants. "I AM HERE TO KILL ALL YOUR SPIDERS!"

The door flew open and revealed a brown-haired girl, looking fit to kill Gilbert even though she didn't know him.

"Get the fuck out," she grumbled, and her voice was so low and murderous that Gilbert immediately turned and was about to wish her a pleasant morning when the guy from earlier was behind her.

"I know him," he heard the man protest quietly.

"Oh yeah? What's his name?" challenged the girl, although he could tell her anger had dropped slightly. She seemed less livid than before.

"...Jim."

"Nice try, Roderich." The door moved closed a little bit, and the arguing pair seemed not to notice that Gilbert was -surprise- still standing right in their doorway.

"Eliza," whined the other man. "We both know that neither one of us is going to kill that spider."

The girl seemed to think about that, then said, "You! Jim, or whatever! Come over here and kill a spider for us!"

What a fun first impression, Gilbert thought glumly, as he turned back around and faced the two people. Were they a couple? Seemed like it. If so… well, that girl had gotten some serious booty last night.

He smirked, and didn't think about the spider he was supposed to vanquish until Roderich led him into the bathroom and pointed into the bathtub.

Inside was the smallest spider Gilbert had ever seen in his entire life. He burst out laughing, dropping the shoe onto the ground. "Holy shit! This is the spider you need me to kill?"

Roderich flushed, his fists clenching by his sides. "It's not-"

He was interrupted by Gilbert's raucous laughter. "Stop laughing at me!" he shouted, sounding like an upset toddler.

"This is barely even a spider!" Gilbert cried, reaching out for the small arachnid and coaxing it onto his fingers. He smirked when Roderich took a step back, looking a bit queasy.

He lurched forward, gently tossing the small spider at Roderich. Roderich screamed and fled the bathroom, Gilbert cackling all the while.

A couple days later, Gilbert was sitting on his bed, swearing loudly as he tried to complete his Calc homework. How was he supposed to memorize all the stupid formulas he needed? Gah!

His third pencil broke under his forceful application onto the paper, and he grumbled as he stood up to steal another from Antonio. Antonio was in art class at the moment. He would never know.

He jumped guiltily when a loud knocking sounded at the door. He assumed it was Antonio back from class when he opened it, explanation for his pencil stealing already on his lips.

"It wasn't my fault!" he said loudly as he pulled the door open.

On the other side, Roderich blinked in surprise. "Uh…."

Gilbert shut his mouth immediately, glaring at his weak-willed neighbor. "What do you want?" His glare, of course, wasn't genuine, but he did want to freak Roderich out a little bit.

"There's another spider," Roderich offered in explanation, looking away and steadfastly ignoring Gilbert's eyes.

"Oh my god!" Gilbert slammed the door shut and took a step into the hallway. Roderich flinched back a step, looking a little scared. "Dude, you need to take care of your own fucking spiders." He made his way to Roderich's apartment, pushing his way into the slightly open door.

Roderich followed, and directed Gilbert to the kitchen. This spider was larger than the previous- not that that was hard to achieve. He picked it up in his fingers and carried it out of the dorm, setting it down on the faded red carpet outside.

He figured he would just go back to his dorm, and strode over to his closed door. He pushed against it, before realizing with a jolt that the door was locked. His keys were still inside.

Fucking hell.

He turned back and welcomed himself back into Roderich's humble abode, settling himself down on a chair in the kitchen. Like his own, it was furnished minimally. A table with two chairs, two beds, and a small door in the back that was the bathroom. There were a few clean dishes resting on a towel next to the sink, and papers strewn over the table. Off to the side was a small keyboard, also strewn with papers.

Roderich did seem the musician type.

Gilbert smirked as the other man looked after him, flustered. "What are you still doing here?"

He shrugged. "I figured I'd get payback for getting rid of your spiders."

"What do you want?"

He pointed at the table. "Who's in Calc 2?" He hoped it was this guy, and not whoever his roommate was.

"I am," Roderich answered, looking a little proud.

He smirked. "Tell me everything. Shortcuts, whatever. Teach me how to suck less at math."

He spent the next half hour being lectured by his strange neighbor. It was clear while Roderich wasn't a mathematical genius, he was pretty good at math. He also tended to go for methods that were different than Gilbert's professor, but he claimed were easier. He solved a few problems from the early pages of the textbook, then directed Gilbert to two of them.

He failed the first, abysmally, and was about halfway through the second when the door was thrown open and that same girl from before entered the dorm.

Dude, this guy was seriously lucky. The dorm room advisers apparently hadn't done anything about this couple living together.

"Roddy! Do we have any tea left?" Her voice was loud and commanding, but still kindly.

"Yes, dear," Roderich answered. "But I'm not making it for you."

"Jerk." She stuck her tongue out at Roderich, then jabbed a thumb in Gilbert's direction. "Who's the boy?"

He didn't like the implication in her tone. And it confused him. Why would a guy's girlfriend say something like that, imply something like that about her own boyfriend?

"Jim. Remember, he killed that spider a few days ago." Roderich smirked a bit, and Gilbert had to admit that he really did look nice with a smile.

These two had a weird relationship, he decided, then delved back into stupid calculus. sinX equals….

"Oh, yeah I remember Jim." The door to the fridge opened, there was a thunk as something was set on the countertop. "What's he doing over? I told you no boys after six." Now, again was the open implication. And she wasn't even trying to flirt with Gilbert -or Roderich- like he would expect from something like that. Weird.

"He came to kill another spider. Then he got locked out of his dorm and came back over to pretend he wasn't." Gilbert looked up then, staring incredulously at the other man.

Roderich shrugged, an easy smile gracing his lips. "Besides, it's five-thirty."

Whoever this was, she brought out an amazingly snarky personality in the Roderich. Gilbert thought it was awesome.

"Hhmmmph. I really did need calc help," he muttered.

"I can tell. You're doing it wrong." Roderich leaned over, grabbed a pen, crossed out a couple short math problems, writing out a couple different ones and offering some long winded explanation Gilbert was just gonna forget in a moment anyway.

He continued on, while Roderich and the girl argued and bantered with one another. Finally, he shoved the paper toward his strange neighbor. "I'm done now."

Roderich glanced it over, eyes widening. "So… you got totally off around here," he pointed with a pencil. "Not the right formulas… at all, after I helped you. But… somehow you got the right answer."

The scrawled 'positive-negative 18' seemed to laugh at them. Roderich looked deeply moved for a moment, before shrugging and shoving the paper back to Gilbert. "Oh well. Good luck in class. I can see you need it."

Gilbert almost laughed. Instead, he turned around and left the dorm, with only a smirk on his face. That butthole.

Antonio was doing some weird cooking project in their oven. Something, anyway, was on fire when Gilbert knocked and shouted at his roommate to let him in.

"Ah! Gilbert! Where were you?" he asked, letting Gilbert storm past him.

"Somewhere weird," he responded shortly, before resuming his calc homework and trying to remember everything Roderich had taught him.

The next week, Antonio was trying to make a pie (while Gilbert was inching closer and closer toward the fire extinguisher) when there came a knocking on his door.

Who the fuck is that? he thought, then remembered his spider-fearing, spineless neighbor down the hall.

"You can't call me over every time you need a spider killed," came flying out of his mouth as he opened the door.

His argument meant little as he was cajoled into Roderich's dorm once again. The spider in question was fucking huge, even he had to admit it.

The thing he wanted to know most is why Roderich's girlfriend or whatever she was didn't do anything. She seemed tough, and never once was she the one complaining about the spider. In fact, even with that giant one, she seemed cool and collected.

This time, she just rolled her eyes and said, "Hello, Jim," when he entered the dorm room.

The more time he spent with Roderich and that girl, the more she seemed less like his girlfriend and more like an older sister of some sort. She teased him, she laughed at him, and she occasionally made fun of him for running to the neighbor each time there was a spider.

Gilbert didn't mind so much. He brought them food sometimes, when Antonio's projects turned out edible, and they always argued about which one of them 'Jim' liked more. Eliza -he'd learned the girl's name by now, obviously- was a medical student, and an active member of the GSA. Roderich was a musician and writer, and active in no clubs.

One day, about three months into their strange friendship, Roderich knocked on his door and Gilbert opened it to find his neighbor dressed up in a fancy purple suit. He even had a cravat on. It was dorky, but also pretty nice looking. Gilbert couldn't help but stare.

Roderich smirked at the look on Gilbert's face. "There's a spider on the kitchen table," he said, his voice sounding a little nervous and tight. "Can you… you know."

Gilbert nodded, then stepped quickly out into the hall. "You're hopeless, Roddy," he said to the man, smiling where he couldn't see him. The door as left open, as per usual, and he came inside without asking permission like he always did. He expected to hear Eliza saying something about how often "fucking Jim was over at their house Jesus Christ"

Instead, the house's lights were off, and Eliza was gone.

He moved to the table, and saw a big, rubber spider sitting on a dinner plate. He laughed. That bastard was trying to flirt with him, wasn't he?

He picked up the spider, intending to… he didn't know, throw it at Roderich maybe, when he saw a small slip of paper underneath it.

Will you come have dinner with me? was written in nice, loopy cursive, like the kind he saw on fancy-pants sheet music.

He even writes like a nerd, Gilbert thought, as he turned around and handed Roderich the spider in response.

"Where to now, Spiderman?"


End file.
